How To Get Over A Breakup
Most people think getting over a breakup means forgetting the person you once loved.
In reality, healing happens when your nervous system learns that the bond ended — but you are still safe.
Breakups don’t just hurt emotionally. They disrupt attachment, identity, routine, and future expectations. Your brain is wired to protest that loss, which is why “just stay busy” rarely works.
Healing begins with three psychological shifts:
1. Stop pathologizing your pain.
Longing, sadness, and even missing the person don’t mean you made a mistake. They mean you formed a significant bond. You had the courage to love, and this time, you lost — but that’s okay. Keep in mind that psychological research shows attachment loss activates the same neural systems as physical pain. So if it hurts… that’s perfectly normal.
2. Separate the person from the pattern.
You’re not missing only them — you’re missing safety, closeness, and regulation. When you meet those needs elsewhere, the pull to go back to the old relationship will soften.
3. Restore agency before closure.
Waiting for answers from an ex keeps your nervous system stuck. Closure comes from understanding your experience, not getting their explanation.
Getting over a breakup isn’t about erasing love.
It’s about how you are metabolizing it.
How you are understanding it.
How you are making sense of it.
When you integrate what the relationship meant — without making it a defining feature of your life or identity — your system slowly returns to equilibrium. That’s when relief arrives, often quietly.
Healing isn’t linear.
But it is learnable.
💭 Practical Exercise — “Redirect the Bond”
Scenario:
You feel the urge to text your ex when you’re lonely at night.
Which response supports real healing?
A. Re-reading old messages to feel close again
B. Texting them “just to check in”
C. Distracting yourself until the feeling passes
D. Naming the feeling and meeting the need elsewhere
✅ Correct Answer: D
Why:
This response separates emotional need from the person and teaches your nervous system new regulation pathways — a key step in post-breakup recovery.
Repeat this sentence aloud:
“When I meet my needs without returning to a bond that didn’t serve me, I reclaim my power.”
📚 References
Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and loss: Vol. 3. Loss, sadness and depression. Basic Books.
Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., & Mashek, D. (2010). Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1), 51–60.
Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution. Journal of Family Psychology, 19(4), 565–575.
Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 5–21.
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